Heavenly Complaint

David had been in Heaven for a little bit now, and all in all, it was quite nice for him. With a place like heaven, how could it not be everything that you’d expect?

David was a good person. That’s how he got in to the pearly gates. He died young but it wasn’t anything crazy tragic. Of course dying young is a terrible thing to happen. Especially for your family. But David’s death was pretty great compared to most last-days-on-Earth. But David’s death was not important. Such a topic is taboo in Heaven. No, it’s what was sitting right in front of David that was the problem.

There was a fly in his soup.

David enjoyed the food in Heaven, very much. He would meet up with his friends and relatives that had passed and they would all have great conversation over food cooked by all of the greatest dead chefs. The food was always delicious and there was nothing to complain about.

Except this damn fly in David’s soup.

David wondered how the small creature even made it’s way into his broccoli and cheese soup. Was this a prank? Were there practical jokes in Heaven? David remembered that this was heaven and that there’s a reserved space in hell for people who play pranks.

David wondered if he should make a complaint.

But a complaint? In Heaven? It was unheard of. Literally unheard of because no one since the beginning of Heaven had made a complaint about the place.

David was hungry though. He thought about not finishing it and ordering something else. But ordering something else would be weird and he was still fairly new to Heaven and didn’t want to be that guy.

David was getting hungrier and hungrier.

The worse part about the fly was that it wasn’t completely dead. Nothing is dead in heaven so this bug was free to flop around in David’s dish, full of life. It’s almost as if the fly was in its own personal heaven. David thought about this for a second.

He didn’t want to be a murderer in Heaven.

Are bugs untouchable up here? David thought. He hadn’t really seen any type of bug since his time here but maybe they were all enjoying themselves out of sight and not having to deal with being squished by a human.

David decides to eat and work around the fly in his soup.

After more than a few attempts, David decides that this just isn’t worth it. He had lived a good life and shouldn’t have to deal with a fly in his soup. He decides that it would be a good idea to take it up with the “Big Guy.”

David left the table with the fly enjoying David’s meal more than he did.

David asked around to various friends about the best way to make a complaint. They all tried to shut him up because no one should complain in Heaven. “Just be glad you got in.” was the most popular response. “Maybe the fly would have tasted delicious?” was the least popular response.

David couldn’t stop thinking about the fly so he did his research and actually found a way to have a chat with his Creator, you know, without doing it the old fashioned way of praying. David wanted some face time with God.

After two weeks, his wish was granted by an Angel and he ordered to be available on Tuesday morning. The phone call he received was vague and when David asked where he should meet God, the Angel quickly responded, “He’ll meet you” and hung up the phone.

Tuesday came and sure enough, God was in David’s living room when he came downstairs to make his morning coffee. God was sitting on David’s couch, but it wasn’t quite sitting in the way you’d think.  It was almost like he was floating and relaxing at the same time.  God had reached true couch comfort and was ready for his meeting with David. 

“Sorry to show up like this, I am a morning person and I like to get my work done first thing.” Said God

Before David could respond, God spoke once more.

“You see David, I know all about you. I knew about your complaint before you made a complaint.”

David tried to respond.

“Hush please, I am God but I have little patience and a lot to do. Now, don’t you think that having a fly in your soup was a test? Surely you didn’t think that just making it into heaven meant that you wouldn’t be tested every now and again.”

David pondered this and started to realize what a fool he has been.

“Please don’t feel like a fool, this happens a lot. I am a forgiving omnipresent being and will let this one slide. You can still be here safely in the Kingdom of Heaven.”

David tried to thank God before he got up off the couch. In one quick maneuver God rose off the couch, he avoided the awkward grunt that most humans feel the need to let out when leaving any furniture.

“No need to thank me, It’s what I do. Just remember, next time you find something you want to complain about, just realize how much time you wasted to say it to someone who doesn’t really care.”

David changed his body language and was ready to speak.

“I do care about you, David. But it’s a universal fact that no one cares about people’s complaints. So please, unless you find out that a murderer made his or her way into Heaven, keep your complaints to yourself because now I have to think of a new way to test your patience with waiters.”

David looked down and realized that he had been short with waiters down on Earth and he should have been smart enough to realize this was a test. After all, he was in Heaven.

“Enjoy Heaven, David. We have a lot to offer here. Who knows, that fly could have tasted great?”

God exited David’s condo and left a cool breeze that only left David with uplifting spirits. David had been wrong to complain to management in Heaven and he was dedicated to live the rest of his time there with joy.

Meanwhile, God had to get on with his day and cross items off of his to-do list. His next stop would be the kitchen to fire the chef.

“Is this another one of your tests, Lord?” asked the faithful chef.

“Yeeessssss. As you know, I do like tests.” Replied The Almighty.

“Oh Master, I will keep my faith and follow you through adversity.” Cried the chef as he hung up his apron.

God rested his hand upon the chef’s shoulder and replied: 

“We’ve also had some complaints about the soup, so this is more of a judgment call.”

Distress Signal

The year is 1978 and the U.S.A has just launched a team of astronauts into space. The United States was happy to see the launch on their color T.Vs in that month of May.

The NASA Houston Port receives a distress signal and a mid-level employee picks up the call.

“This is Houston Port, we hear your loud and clear Astronaut Goldman.”

“Hey guys, this is Astronaut Jim Goldman On Space Shuttle 602.”

“Yes Astronaut Godlman, we are aware”

“Please, just call me Jim.”

“You got it Astronaut Jim. Please inform us of your reason for a radio distress signal.”

“Oh right, um, well I don’t know how else to tell you this but…I am..

Astronaut Jim gulps. You know, one of those gulps that seem comically enhanced. Except this time it was real, and Houston Port was tuning in.

..afraid Houston Port. I’m afraid.”

“Afraid of what Astro Jim? Your shuttle seems to be cruising along nicely and all of our readings are perfect”

“ Yes, that’s good. But I am afraid of this. All This. Being an Astronaut, going in space. This whole situation terrifies me and I am now just realizing it.”

“Astro Jim, you do realize that you’re about 113,000 mile outside of the Earth’s atmosphere, right?”

Astro Jim checks his dashboard and sees his mileage from Earth constantly going up and fidgets in his seat nervously.

“Yes Houston Port, I can see that on my radar.”

“Where has the rest of your crew gone? Why haven’t they tried to assist you?”

“Well Houston..

Astronaut Jim gulped again.

..they made fun of me.”

“Sorry could you repeat that? We believe we heard you say that they made fun of you.”

“That’s correct Houston Port. Those guys can be real jerks, but they have good hearts. So please don’t tell on me”

The mid-level employee looked around looking for assistance, his team all shrugged.

“Don’t worry, we will omit it from our recordings. Is that what you’re afraid of? Being bullied in space?”

“Sort of but not completely. I mean, what if we blow up, you know? That’s scary to think about.”

The Houston Port crew all looked around at each other as if they didn’t have the answer. One entry-level scientist from Houston Port grabbed her personal radio.

“We have done several thousand tests to ensure you that you will not blow up.”

Astro Jim leaned back in his chair a bit.

“Phew, I knew that was true its just great to hear you guys say it.”

The entry-level employee gave a thumbs up to her crew, they smiled.

“No problem. Are you comfortable enough for radio silence?”

“Um. Yeah. I think I am good. Thanks Houston Port.”

“It’s what we are here for. Now go make the USA proud.”

“Copy that Houston. Over and out.”

(12 Minutes Later)

The distress signal at the Houston Port begins to ring and buzz again. Both sounds are equally annoying. A senior staff member answers on his personal radio.

“Yes Astronaut Goldman, how can we assist your distress signal?

“Please, just call me Jim.”

The senior level employee shakes his head disapprovingly.

“How can we assist you, Jim?”

“Ok, so I’ve been thinking.”

The entire Houston Port looks at each other and begins to get comfortable in their seats. The senior staff member clears his throat and continues with protocol.

“What have you been thinking about, Jim?”

“Well, what if we encounter something unknown?”

A mid- level scientist chimes in on his radio.

Well, Astro Jim, that’s sort of the whole point to space exploration. To discover the unknown.”

The mid level employee smiles as if he always wanted to say that.

“Good point. But what if we discover something unknown that we really shouldn’t have discovered?”

The senior employee begins to reply but the mid level scientist stops him and puts his hand up like “I got this.” Which pisses off the senior employee but he realizes that it’s for the best because he doesn’t have an answer.

“Astro Jim, can you elaborate?”

“Well, say you’re in the woods and you discover a bear. I’ve never seen a bear in the woods but I know I shouldn’t get closer and poke it in the name of science. You follow me?”

Everyone at Houston Port begins to shake their heads and rub their temples, mostly because they saw all the senior employees do it and thought it was protocol. But everyone truly knows that this is the most action they have seen in a while so they all still listen in as the mid level scientist calms Astro Jim down.

“Yes, Astro Jim. We follow you. However, we sent you up there to explore the unknown and we wouldn’t have done it if you weren’t the best man for the job.”

“Thanks. I knew I was worrying too much.”

“Are you OK for radio silence? We have a lot of paperwork to do here down on Earth.”

“You got it, gang. Radio silence from here on out.”

The mid level scientist smiles and looks around for compliments but everyone seems to have started their paperwork.

(4 Hours Later)

Astro Jim clicks on a radio recorder from the dispatch control panel. The device was designed to record the last radio signal from Shuttle 602 in case of a deathly emergency.

“Ok, I know I am not supposed to use this device for any other reason other than certain death, I’m sorry.”

Astro Jim looks around the shuttle and crawls under the control panel so no one hears or sees him. Even though he is quite loud and bulging out from under the control panel.

Astro Jim clicks the red button he was trained to press.

“It’s just that I feel a little guilty out here. I am pretty sure I agreed to be an astronaut just because I went through all of the steps.

One day I am an upper level scientist working in the lab and I get the opportunity to be trained by NASA, what scientist wouldn’t want that?  I would be a dick to say no.

Only now I am afraid and isolated in space I am starting to realize that maybe someone else would enjoy this more.

I’m a steak and eggs, simple scientist from Tucson, Arizona. I don’t need the unknown to be amazed. I just need my wife Darlene and my son Junior. Heck, I’d even add that ol’ smelly Chihuahua of ours. I just hope I make them proud. That’s all I think anyone should ever do. Make their family proud.”

Just then, Astro Jim’s entire consol begins to light up. It’s a beautiful glow, not exactly blue but that’s the best way he can register it. The glow was growing bigger and more fantastic just outside his window.

Astro Jim looked at his monitors and sees the rest of the crew messing around in the kitchen making space burritos. He doesn’t feel the need to radio them.

Astro Jim stares at the Unknown Glow and feels that he shouldn’t be recording it. He got the feeling that if he recorded his findings, it wouldn’t be as unique. He felt that he should only be feeling it. Perhaps Astro Jim was the one who was supposed to experience The Unkown Glow on that entire Shuttle 602 all along?

After a few more seconds of heavenly glow, Astro Jim had to say something.

“I just want to say on record. That life itself is better than The Unkown It’s important to recognize what’s in front of you, rather than what’s out there.”

Astro Jim didn’t really know what that exact moment meant, he sort of felt like he was supposed to say something, anything. So that’s what he said. And just as he said it, the heavenly glow was gone. Nothing was left but Jim and the recorder.

Only he didn’t record the message into the control panel last-words device like he thought. No, Astro Jim recorded his sentiment to Houston Port radio. Had he known that all along? Fortunately a lower intern who was hired to work the night shift, wrote down Astro Jim’s words and put them in a desk because at this point, everyone had grown tired of Astro Jim’s voice.

(3 minutes later)

Shuttle 602 was blown to pieces by an unknown glow.

(30 Years Later)

NASA decided to clear the Houston Port unit for lack of funding and discovery. The desk was offered to the lead janitor on call and he gladly took it.

The lead janitor took it home and quickly realized it wouldn’t fit in his studio apartment. So he decided to list it on Ebay. It sold for a modest amount of money to an eager buyer.

The buyer was excited when his “Official NASA High Level Desk” arrived on the front porch. He knew exactly what it was when he saw it online. It took two deliverymen to take it out of the truck and drop it on the front steps of:

 “Junior Goldman 157 Echo Creek, Tucson AZ”

Junior Goldman set the desk up near the window where he could get proper sunlight and feng shui. Junior Goldman wasn’t an astronaut like his dad, but he enjoyed space.

Curiosity ran in the Goldman family, so Junior explored every crease to the desk to see if any etchings or info from his father’s time at Houston Port were still left in the over sized desk.

After kicking away some old pencils and a red NASA visitor’s button, Junior snagged a corner of something in the way back of the drawer, the area where things get lost and no one remembers, or cares if they find it.

Junior pulled out the crumpled piece of paper that was stuck between the drawers. It was his father’s last words scribbled down by an intern. It’s like Junior had known it was there the whole time. He framed the note and let it sit in the glow of the sun for years

NASA never figured out the Unknown Glow that took the life of Astro Jim and the crew. Mainly because after that phenomenon, may of the entry to mid-level employees quit their jobs to spend more time with their families. The case was quickly closed and never opened. Perhaps the exploration and words of one man- meant the world to another?

Available For Hire

SMALLTONVILLE DAILY READER

Saturday October 3rd 2015

Section: Classifieds, musicians A

Available: Professional and experienced whistler extraordinaire for covers or originals. I bring my own equipment and leave my ego at home. I am ready to play, all I need is a tune and a glass of water (or beer). Just kidding, I have been sober 6 years- but I don’t judge. I am trained in multiple genres. Strong focus on folk music, specifically from 1954-1972.

By the off chance I am not home to receive your call, please leave a message with my wife, Darlene. You will have to speak clearly and loudly because a firecracker left her half deaf last Fourth of July. My email is below because the paper company told me I had to leave it…but please do not email me! I forgot my password months ago and I can’t seem to log in. I am still waiting for my grandson Nicholas to come by and help. He says he is busy on Saturdays but I know he quit the soccer league and has a completely open schedule to help his Grandpappy on the computer for an hour or two.

NICHOLAS! If you see this PLEASE HELP ME WITH MY EMAIL. I WANT TO WHISTLE IN A JAM BAND. I HAVE THE CAPS LOCK ON AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TURN IT OFF CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THAT TOO?

Email: WhistlingRickyFromTheCity@Netscape.Net

17 and Over

SHAWN and BRIAN, two young; and clean-cut friends, are standing inside of a movie theater hallway with a ticket in each of their hands.

Shawn- Okay Brian, now is our chance. We can sneak into “Bloody Axe of Hell 4” without anyone looking. As you know, we are only fourteen and a half. And even though we at look at least 26, I still wasn’t able to convince the ticket girl otherwise. So I thought on my feet and purchased tickets to “Happy Penguins 3D” as a decoy. Soon, unbeknownst to the theater manager, we will be finding ourselves a seat in this year’s bloodiest movie.

Look, if we get caught- just act super cool. Last time we got caught in the act you vomited before we got inside. Let’s keep this mission clean. The only bodily fluids I want to witness will be on the big screen while we slurp down our slushees. By the way, thanks for buying my drink. I owe you one.

Look look! There is no one guarding the door. We can casually waltz in and grab our seats.

(Shawn looks at his digital watch)

It’s only two minutes until the movie starts so it will be nice and dark for us to sneak in. Just remember not to use the flashlight on your phone like last time- I feel like that should have been a given. But I get it, it’s not your fault you have poor vision.

Are you ready Brian? This could be the first crime we successfully commit. If we get caught we are looking at like, two months in jail at least. So hombre, you wanna see this gory flick?

(Brian shoots a look of worry to Shawn)

I know it’s a scary movie. That’s why they make them! Don’t worry, if anything happens that you can’t handle, I won’t make fun of you if you close your eyes. Just don’t make fun of me if I do the same. Truth be told, I am a little scared too.

(They both take a deep breath together)

This is it Brian, our first rated R movie adventure. I hope we get to see a trailer for Vampire Dungeon: The Awakening!

(Shawn and Brian slowly walk toward the theatre entrance)

Crap! They spotted us! Abort mission- I can’t go to jail! I’m allergic to everything!

(The two friends rush into “Happy Penguins 3D” with no one in sight but a janitor)