Heavenly Complaint

David had been in Heaven for a little bit now, and all in all, it was quite nice for him. With a place like heaven, how could it not be everything that you’d expect?

David was a good person. That’s how he got in to the pearly gates. He died young but it wasn’t anything crazy tragic. Of course dying young is a terrible thing to happen. Especially for your family. But David’s death was pretty great compared to most last-days-on-Earth. But David’s death was not important. Such a topic is taboo in Heaven. No, it’s what was sitting right in front of David that was the problem.

There was a fly in his soup.

David enjoyed the food in Heaven, very much. He would meet up with his friends and relatives that had passed and they would all have great conversation over food cooked by all of the greatest dead chefs. The food was always delicious and there was nothing to complain about.

Except this damn fly in David’s soup.

David wondered how the small creature even made it’s way into his broccoli and cheese soup. Was this a prank? Were there practical jokes in Heaven? David remembered that this was heaven and that there’s a reserved space in hell for people who play pranks.

David wondered if he should make a complaint.

But a complaint? In Heaven? It was unheard of. Literally unheard of because no one since the beginning of Heaven had made a complaint about the place.

David was hungry though. He thought about not finishing it and ordering something else. But ordering something else would be weird and he was still fairly new to Heaven and didn’t want to be that guy.

David was getting hungrier and hungrier.

The worse part about the fly was that it wasn’t completely dead. Nothing is dead in heaven so this bug was free to flop around in David’s dish, full of life. It’s almost as if the fly was in its own personal heaven. David thought about this for a second.

He didn’t want to be a murderer in Heaven.

Are bugs untouchable up here? David thought. He hadn’t really seen any type of bug since his time here but maybe they were all enjoying themselves out of sight and not having to deal with being squished by a human.

David decides to eat and work around the fly in his soup.

After more than a few attempts, David decides that this just isn’t worth it. He had lived a good life and shouldn’t have to deal with a fly in his soup. He decides that it would be a good idea to take it up with the “Big Guy.”

David left the table with the fly enjoying David’s meal more than he did.

David asked around to various friends about the best way to make a complaint. They all tried to shut him up because no one should complain in Heaven. “Just be glad you got in.” was the most popular response. “Maybe the fly would have tasted delicious?” was the least popular response.

David couldn’t stop thinking about the fly so he did his research and actually found a way to have a chat with his Creator, you know, without doing it the old fashioned way of praying. David wanted some face time with God.

After two weeks, his wish was granted by an Angel and he ordered to be available on Tuesday morning. The phone call he received was vague and when David asked where he should meet God, the Angel quickly responded, “He’ll meet you” and hung up the phone.

Tuesday came and sure enough, God was in David’s living room when he came downstairs to make his morning coffee. God was sitting on David’s couch, but it wasn’t quite sitting in the way you’d think.  It was almost like he was floating and relaxing at the same time.  God had reached true couch comfort and was ready for his meeting with David. 

“Sorry to show up like this, I am a morning person and I like to get my work done first thing.” Said God

Before David could respond, God spoke once more.

“You see David, I know all about you. I knew about your complaint before you made a complaint.”

David tried to respond.

“Hush please, I am God but I have little patience and a lot to do. Now, don’t you think that having a fly in your soup was a test? Surely you didn’t think that just making it into heaven meant that you wouldn’t be tested every now and again.”

David pondered this and started to realize what a fool he has been.

“Please don’t feel like a fool, this happens a lot. I am a forgiving omnipresent being and will let this one slide. You can still be here safely in the Kingdom of Heaven.”

David tried to thank God before he got up off the couch. In one quick maneuver God rose off the couch, he avoided the awkward grunt that most humans feel the need to let out when leaving any furniture.

“No need to thank me, It’s what I do. Just remember, next time you find something you want to complain about, just realize how much time you wasted to say it to someone who doesn’t really care.”

David changed his body language and was ready to speak.

“I do care about you, David. But it’s a universal fact that no one cares about people’s complaints. So please, unless you find out that a murderer made his or her way into Heaven, keep your complaints to yourself because now I have to think of a new way to test your patience with waiters.”

David looked down and realized that he had been short with waiters down on Earth and he should have been smart enough to realize this was a test. After all, he was in Heaven.

“Enjoy Heaven, David. We have a lot to offer here. Who knows, that fly could have tasted great?”

God exited David’s condo and left a cool breeze that only left David with uplifting spirits. David had been wrong to complain to management in Heaven and he was dedicated to live the rest of his time there with joy.

Meanwhile, God had to get on with his day and cross items off of his to-do list. His next stop would be the kitchen to fire the chef.

“Is this another one of your tests, Lord?” asked the faithful chef.

“Yeeessssss. As you know, I do like tests.” Replied The Almighty.

“Oh Master, I will keep my faith and follow you through adversity.” Cried the chef as he hung up his apron.

God rested his hand upon the chef’s shoulder and replied: 

“We’ve also had some complaints about the soup, so this is more of a judgment call.”

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Plastic Revolution

Matthew, a young, but clear faced teenaged is addressing his peers and standing on the bench of a local ice cream parlor.

OK guys, thanks for seeing me here. I know the Frosty Freeze isn’t the best place to meet but my Mom is doing holiday shopping next door and she’s my ride.

I know what you’re all thinking. We don’t need to do this. Well, we do. We are fifteen years old and the time has come for us to become men. 

No more playing with action figures. Yes, I know it will be tough but the rewards will be awesome. I mean, who wouldn’t want to trade their super-chopping action hero for a drivers license? Or pass on our warrior quest cards to our younger siblings for a date with Chelsea Quinn from homeroom! It’s time to start acting our age, friends.

Let me tell you the good news though!  This is only temporary. We can collect our action figures and hero cards when we hit our mid life crisis. Men all over the world are doing it! Just the other day I saw a vintage pocket monster card on Ebidz.com so I know that we are not alone. YOU are not alone. Because anytime we feel the urge to buy the latest Spaceborg Power Blaster, just know how much cooler it will be to kiss Chelsea Quinn. By the way, I am only using her as an example for this scenario. We all know that she let me borrow a pencil last week so we are basically on the fast track to love.

So boys..ahem..MEN! Let’s drop our plastic toys and pick up our newfound freedom. Who’s with me!

(The crowd cheers)

Now, who can give me a ride home? My mom just texted me and said she’s gong to be running late and I don’t want to walk home alone, it’s scary.

17 and Over

SHAWN and BRIAN, two young; and clean-cut friends, are standing inside of a movie theater hallway with a ticket in each of their hands.

Shawn- Okay Brian, now is our chance. We can sneak into “Bloody Axe of Hell 4” without anyone looking. As you know, we are only fourteen and a half. And even though we at look at least 26, I still wasn’t able to convince the ticket girl otherwise. So I thought on my feet and purchased tickets to “Happy Penguins 3D” as a decoy. Soon, unbeknownst to the theater manager, we will be finding ourselves a seat in this year’s bloodiest movie.

Look, if we get caught- just act super cool. Last time we got caught in the act you vomited before we got inside. Let’s keep this mission clean. The only bodily fluids I want to witness will be on the big screen while we slurp down our slushees. By the way, thanks for buying my drink. I owe you one.

Look look! There is no one guarding the door. We can casually waltz in and grab our seats.

(Shawn looks at his digital watch)

It’s only two minutes until the movie starts so it will be nice and dark for us to sneak in. Just remember not to use the flashlight on your phone like last time- I feel like that should have been a given. But I get it, it’s not your fault you have poor vision.

Are you ready Brian? This could be the first crime we successfully commit. If we get caught we are looking at like, two months in jail at least. So hombre, you wanna see this gory flick?

(Brian shoots a look of worry to Shawn)

I know it’s a scary movie. That’s why they make them! Don’t worry, if anything happens that you can’t handle, I won’t make fun of you if you close your eyes. Just don’t make fun of me if I do the same. Truth be told, I am a little scared too.

(They both take a deep breath together)

This is it Brian, our first rated R movie adventure. I hope we get to see a trailer for Vampire Dungeon: The Awakening!

(Shawn and Brian slowly walk toward the theatre entrance)

Crap! They spotted us! Abort mission- I can’t go to jail! I’m allergic to everything!

(The two friends rush into “Happy Penguins 3D” with no one in sight but a janitor)