Heavenly Complaint

David had been in Heaven for a little bit now, and all in all, it was quite nice for him. With a place like heaven, how could it not be everything that you’d expect?

David was a good person. That’s how he got in to the pearly gates. He died young but it wasn’t anything crazy tragic. Of course dying young is a terrible thing to happen. Especially for your family. But David’s death was pretty great compared to most last-days-on-Earth. But David’s death was not important. Such a topic is taboo in Heaven. No, it’s what was sitting right in front of David that was the problem.

There was a fly in his soup.

David enjoyed the food in Heaven, very much. He would meet up with his friends and relatives that had passed and they would all have great conversation over food cooked by all of the greatest dead chefs. The food was always delicious and there was nothing to complain about.

Except this damn fly in David’s soup.

David wondered how the small creature even made it’s way into his broccoli and cheese soup. Was this a prank? Were there practical jokes in Heaven? David remembered that this was heaven and that there’s a reserved space in hell for people who play pranks.

David wondered if he should make a complaint.

But a complaint? In Heaven? It was unheard of. Literally unheard of because no one since the beginning of Heaven had made a complaint about the place.

David was hungry though. He thought about not finishing it and ordering something else. But ordering something else would be weird and he was still fairly new to Heaven and didn’t want to be that guy.

David was getting hungrier and hungrier.

The worse part about the fly was that it wasn’t completely dead. Nothing is dead in heaven so this bug was free to flop around in David’s dish, full of life. It’s almost as if the fly was in its own personal heaven. David thought about this for a second.

He didn’t want to be a murderer in Heaven.

Are bugs untouchable up here? David thought. He hadn’t really seen any type of bug since his time here but maybe they were all enjoying themselves out of sight and not having to deal with being squished by a human.

David decides to eat and work around the fly in his soup.

After more than a few attempts, David decides that this just isn’t worth it. He had lived a good life and shouldn’t have to deal with a fly in his soup. He decides that it would be a good idea to take it up with the “Big Guy.”

David left the table with the fly enjoying David’s meal more than he did.

David asked around to various friends about the best way to make a complaint. They all tried to shut him up because no one should complain in Heaven. “Just be glad you got in.” was the most popular response. “Maybe the fly would have tasted delicious?” was the least popular response.

David couldn’t stop thinking about the fly so he did his research and actually found a way to have a chat with his Creator, you know, without doing it the old fashioned way of praying. David wanted some face time with God.

After two weeks, his wish was granted by an Angel and he ordered to be available on Tuesday morning. The phone call he received was vague and when David asked where he should meet God, the Angel quickly responded, “He’ll meet you” and hung up the phone.

Tuesday came and sure enough, God was in David’s living room when he came downstairs to make his morning coffee. God was sitting on David’s couch, but it wasn’t quite sitting in the way you’d think.  It was almost like he was floating and relaxing at the same time.  God had reached true couch comfort and was ready for his meeting with David. 

“Sorry to show up like this, I am a morning person and I like to get my work done first thing.” Said God

Before David could respond, God spoke once more.

“You see David, I know all about you. I knew about your complaint before you made a complaint.”

David tried to respond.

“Hush please, I am God but I have little patience and a lot to do. Now, don’t you think that having a fly in your soup was a test? Surely you didn’t think that just making it into heaven meant that you wouldn’t be tested every now and again.”

David pondered this and started to realize what a fool he has been.

“Please don’t feel like a fool, this happens a lot. I am a forgiving omnipresent being and will let this one slide. You can still be here safely in the Kingdom of Heaven.”

David tried to thank God before he got up off the couch. In one quick maneuver God rose off the couch, he avoided the awkward grunt that most humans feel the need to let out when leaving any furniture.

“No need to thank me, It’s what I do. Just remember, next time you find something you want to complain about, just realize how much time you wasted to say it to someone who doesn’t really care.”

David changed his body language and was ready to speak.

“I do care about you, David. But it’s a universal fact that no one cares about people’s complaints. So please, unless you find out that a murderer made his or her way into Heaven, keep your complaints to yourself because now I have to think of a new way to test your patience with waiters.”

David looked down and realized that he had been short with waiters down on Earth and he should have been smart enough to realize this was a test. After all, he was in Heaven.

“Enjoy Heaven, David. We have a lot to offer here. Who knows, that fly could have tasted great?”

God exited David’s condo and left a cool breeze that only left David with uplifting spirits. David had been wrong to complain to management in Heaven and he was dedicated to live the rest of his time there with joy.

Meanwhile, God had to get on with his day and cross items off of his to-do list. His next stop would be the kitchen to fire the chef.

“Is this another one of your tests, Lord?” asked the faithful chef.

“Yeeessssss. As you know, I do like tests.” Replied The Almighty.

“Oh Master, I will keep my faith and follow you through adversity.” Cried the chef as he hung up his apron.

God rested his hand upon the chef’s shoulder and replied: 

“We’ve also had some complaints about the soup, so this is more of a judgment call.”

The Tale of the Flying Marlin

1958- The Flying Marlin was deep in the Atlantic Ocean, no one in history could quite say where- but it was deep in the swirling storms of the Atlantic. The beautiful Flying Marlin ship has begun to take on water and the crew wonders what to do next. What do you do when you’re working on the poop deck of a fishing boat and your Northern starboard begins to flood with water?

You speak with The Captain.

The Crew of the Flying Marlin raced to The Captain’s corridor and knocked hesitantly at the door.

“Sir. I uh, I mean Captain.” Said the First Mate; a bit quieter than he should have.

“What it is friends!?” The Captain replied with a jovial response.

You see, The Captain never liked a stern ship. He kept the Flying Marlin calm and efficient. The Crew took home a decent pay for fisherman in 1958 and risked their lives about once a month to a hairy situation. This was worse than hairy.

“The ship is sinking, Captain.” The First Mate formally informed The Captain.

The thick copper door swung open and the captain (not completely sober) addressed the crew.

“Alright men, the Flying Marlin is an ol’ gal but we better get her patched up soon or you’ll be delivering our latest bounty to the Devil at bottom of the Sea.

The Crew looked a little bit defeated already.

“Captain, it’s beyond repair. We need to take emergency precautions. I have a wife at home and I would like to see her and my son again.” The First Mate cried.

The Captain put his hand on the First Mate’s shoulder.

“Then let’s get you come, mate.”

The Captain ordered all of the crew to find the life rafts and take immediate (but efficient) choices in order to save the crew. When all of the rafts were set to be deployed one by one by a hoist, the crew got a bit happier and had some hope in their hearts.

The Captain had been looking upon his crew with joy as he smoked his pipe. The Captain wasn’t a big smoker, but he figured if there ever was a time to have a smoke-this was it.

The emergency life rafts were ready to go.

“All younger men first! Lets get these boys home to their family.” The First Mate shouted. Even though he was a young man himself, he knew he had obligations to The Captain.

The Crew followed orders and put the younger crew members on the life rafts. In Theory, this was a kind hearted gesture all thought up by The Captain. It wasn’t until the last life raft was out of site that everyone realized they had just saved their strongest men and The Flying Marlin was left with 16 old men.

These senior portions of The Crew were gentlemen who lived on the sea their whole life. They had been with The Flying Marlin since she first set sail and most of them lost some fingers in the process. Moral was low but no one was giving up.

The Last Minutes

Now, with a ship full of old men in galoshes aboard a vessel that is now taking on massive amounts of the salty sea… The Crew began to panic and the mood was sinking just as quickly as the ship. The Crew of the Flying Marlin began to fight the Atlantic with a bit of a chill down their spine.

“Captain! What now!?” Shouted the First mate from the Southern Side.

The Flying Marlin was in full Titanic Mode.

The Captain stopped puffing his pipe because by now it was raining and he found it annoying to light a match every 30 seconds, only to have it whiffed out by the surrounding elements.

The Captain responded just before the crew got anxious.

“We are going build our own life rafts, gentleman!” The captain informed everyone.

“Find whatever you can and make a life raft. We have some time and I know all of you are good with tools and creativity.”

 The Captain pointed to his First Mate.

“We used to install fencing around the old factory together.”

The Captain pointed to his Second Mate.

“We’ve known each other since Mrs. Goldman’s science class!”

The Captain pointed to his Third Mate.

“And we were on the same little league team!”

“Go Badgers!” They said in unison.

“Lets lay this bastard of a ship down and save our lives!” The Captain screamed. The Crew shouted with cheer and hope.

The Crew began to search for all the materials they could find in order to float and stay alive. The situation was the perfect blend of  every-man-for-himself- mixed with together-on-the-Flying-Marlin.

Doors. Furniture. Art Work.  The crew began using their best imagination and building their life rafts for the chance of surviving this daunting situation.

The Captain was happy and wished he was able to smoke his pipe again because he thought it would be the perfect time. But again, the surrounding conditions weren’t allowing it. The Captain crossed his arms and smiled.

You’d think with the very few skills that The Crew had, it would take some time to build a raft. You’d be surprised at how quick an Old Man can build a life raft when he is facing death at sea. A little over an hour, all of The Crew members had built their own rafts.

Some of them had individual rafts with beautiful nautical furnishings and some men decide to work together and build a group raft to save each other’s lives. The men completed their projects just in time because the ship was sinking fast now and they were awaiting orders from The Captain.

“Captain! We have completed your orders to build ourselves a raft. To our own surprise, it worked out pretty well!” The First mate shouted.

“When shall we set sail!?” Cried the Second Mate.

“We shall set sail immediately! This old girl of a ship is about to guzzle all the water she can handle and I don’t want to be on board when she takes her last breath!” Proclaimed The Captain.

The Crew all looked puzzled at The Captain. The Crew knew why, but the Captain looked puzzled back because he had no idea what was happening.

“What in the hell are you looking at men!? Lets move!” Their Captain ordered.

The First mate removed his hat and brought it to his chest as if he was about to deliver bad news.

“Captain, while we were building our life rafts, we figured you were building one too. Did you not?” The First Mate replied.

“Are you fucking serious!?”

The Captain rarely cursed but he figured now was the perfect time.

The Second Mate took off his hat. The Captain had just seen this move from the First Mate so he braced himself for more bad news.

“Captain, we honestly thought you were going down with the ship once we noticed you just watching us and smiling. I mean, The Flying Marlin is your vessel and when you didn’t move a muscle to make a life raft, we wanted to honor your solitude because we figured you were about to die.” The Second Mate reported.

“I’m not suicidal! I want off of this drafty old ship! Please! One of you must have room for me!” The Captain cried out.

The Crew looked around at each other’s life rafts. Even though they all looked pretty solid, and were all floating quite well by this time- they had no room for a portly, old Captain. And The Captain knew this now.

The Captain removed his hat and placed it to his chest. The crew knew bad news was coming because it’s not like this was an original move or anything.

“My Crew, friends, and family, I wish you the best and hope you get back to land safely. Just be aware that there are quite a few sharks in these waters and that we are probably headed towards a recession of some kind, so maybe find a new profession when you hit dry land.”

Some of The Crew began to cry. At this point, The Captain was on the very last few feet of his ship and the rest of his crew was safely on their rickety rafts.  The Captain gave his official hat to his First Mate and saluted him.

“May you all always remember what happened here on The Flying Marlin.”

The Captain whipped out his tobacco pipe and puffed away as he descended into the ocean with The Flying Marlin.

After the last bubble from The Captain’s breathe came to the surface, The Crew took a moment of silence and wiped their tears.

“Men! Lets get to safety!” The First Mate (now Captain) shouted.

The Men began to row their makeshift raft army to shore. It turns out they were not far at all from a rescue ship that was signaled by the first wave of young crew member that left the Flying Marlin earlier. When everyone was rescued, they all realized that they had been selfish not helping The Captain. But it was too late for that because the ugly sea took him under and his body was probably being eaten by the aforementioned sharks.

Years Gone By

Whenever The Crew (especially The First and Second Mate) thought of The Captain they smiled and were inspired by the courage The Captain had. They all told the tale about The Flying Marlin, especially when in the company of The Crew.

Fortunately, most of The Crew took The Captain’s advice and began new careers in carpentry. They realized the craftsmanship of their rafts and saw that they were actually pretty good with tools and wood, especially under pressure. They began a Carpenter’s Union and to this day, The Crew and their next generation of kin still operates out of Maine.

Recently, the local Historic Society holds a day in The Captain’s honor. The town builds tiny creative rafts and sets them all out to sea to sink. It’s terrible for the environment but brings a lot of joy to locals and tourists who heard the Tale of the Flying Marlin.

As far as The Captain? Some say that on a calm, warm summer night, if you salute the Atlantic Sea- you’ll smell the rich tobacco that The Captain puffed with his last breathe.

Plastic Revolution

Matthew, a young, but clear faced teenaged is addressing his peers and standing on the bench of a local ice cream parlor.

OK guys, thanks for seeing me here. I know the Frosty Freeze isn’t the best place to meet but my Mom is doing holiday shopping next door and she’s my ride.

I know what you’re all thinking. We don’t need to do this. Well, we do. We are fifteen years old and the time has come for us to become men. 

No more playing with action figures. Yes, I know it will be tough but the rewards will be awesome. I mean, who wouldn’t want to trade their super-chopping action hero for a drivers license? Or pass on our warrior quest cards to our younger siblings for a date with Chelsea Quinn from homeroom! It’s time to start acting our age, friends.

Let me tell you the good news though!  This is only temporary. We can collect our action figures and hero cards when we hit our mid life crisis. Men all over the world are doing it! Just the other day I saw a vintage pocket monster card on Ebidz.com so I know that we are not alone. YOU are not alone. Because anytime we feel the urge to buy the latest Spaceborg Power Blaster, just know how much cooler it will be to kiss Chelsea Quinn. By the way, I am only using her as an example for this scenario. We all know that she let me borrow a pencil last week so we are basically on the fast track to love.

So boys..ahem..MEN! Let’s drop our plastic toys and pick up our newfound freedom. Who’s with me!

(The crowd cheers)

Now, who can give me a ride home? My mom just texted me and said she’s gong to be running late and I don’t want to walk home alone, it’s scary.

Distress Signal

The year is 1978 and the U.S.A has just launched a team of astronauts into space. The United States was happy to see the launch on their color T.Vs in that month of May.

The NASA Houston Port receives a distress signal and a mid-level employee picks up the call.

“This is Houston Port, we hear your loud and clear Astronaut Goldman.”

“Hey guys, this is Astronaut Jim Goldman On Space Shuttle 602.”

“Yes Astronaut Godlman, we are aware”

“Please, just call me Jim.”

“You got it Astronaut Jim. Please inform us of your reason for a radio distress signal.”

“Oh right, um, well I don’t know how else to tell you this but…I am..

Astronaut Jim gulps. You know, one of those gulps that seem comically enhanced. Except this time it was real, and Houston Port was tuning in.

..afraid Houston Port. I’m afraid.”

“Afraid of what Astro Jim? Your shuttle seems to be cruising along nicely and all of our readings are perfect”

“ Yes, that’s good. But I am afraid of this. All This. Being an Astronaut, going in space. This whole situation terrifies me and I am now just realizing it.”

“Astro Jim, you do realize that you’re about 113,000 mile outside of the Earth’s atmosphere, right?”

Astro Jim checks his dashboard and sees his mileage from Earth constantly going up and fidgets in his seat nervously.

“Yes Houston Port, I can see that on my radar.”

“Where has the rest of your crew gone? Why haven’t they tried to assist you?”

“Well Houston..

Astronaut Jim gulped again.

..they made fun of me.”

“Sorry could you repeat that? We believe we heard you say that they made fun of you.”

“That’s correct Houston Port. Those guys can be real jerks, but they have good hearts. So please don’t tell on me”

The mid-level employee looked around looking for assistance, his team all shrugged.

“Don’t worry, we will omit it from our recordings. Is that what you’re afraid of? Being bullied in space?”

“Sort of but not completely. I mean, what if we blow up, you know? That’s scary to think about.”

The Houston Port crew all looked around at each other as if they didn’t have the answer. One entry-level scientist from Houston Port grabbed her personal radio.

“We have done several thousand tests to ensure you that you will not blow up.”

Astro Jim leaned back in his chair a bit.

“Phew, I knew that was true its just great to hear you guys say it.”

The entry-level employee gave a thumbs up to her crew, they smiled.

“No problem. Are you comfortable enough for radio silence?”

“Um. Yeah. I think I am good. Thanks Houston Port.”

“It’s what we are here for. Now go make the USA proud.”

“Copy that Houston. Over and out.”

(12 Minutes Later)

The distress signal at the Houston Port begins to ring and buzz again. Both sounds are equally annoying. A senior staff member answers on his personal radio.

“Yes Astronaut Goldman, how can we assist your distress signal?

“Please, just call me Jim.”

The senior level employee shakes his head disapprovingly.

“How can we assist you, Jim?”

“Ok, so I’ve been thinking.”

The entire Houston Port looks at each other and begins to get comfortable in their seats. The senior staff member clears his throat and continues with protocol.

“What have you been thinking about, Jim?”

“Well, what if we encounter something unknown?”

A mid- level scientist chimes in on his radio.

Well, Astro Jim, that’s sort of the whole point to space exploration. To discover the unknown.”

The mid level employee smiles as if he always wanted to say that.

“Good point. But what if we discover something unknown that we really shouldn’t have discovered?”

The senior employee begins to reply but the mid level scientist stops him and puts his hand up like “I got this.” Which pisses off the senior employee but he realizes that it’s for the best because he doesn’t have an answer.

“Astro Jim, can you elaborate?”

“Well, say you’re in the woods and you discover a bear. I’ve never seen a bear in the woods but I know I shouldn’t get closer and poke it in the name of science. You follow me?”

Everyone at Houston Port begins to shake their heads and rub their temples, mostly because they saw all the senior employees do it and thought it was protocol. But everyone truly knows that this is the most action they have seen in a while so they all still listen in as the mid level scientist calms Astro Jim down.

“Yes, Astro Jim. We follow you. However, we sent you up there to explore the unknown and we wouldn’t have done it if you weren’t the best man for the job.”

“Thanks. I knew I was worrying too much.”

“Are you OK for radio silence? We have a lot of paperwork to do here down on Earth.”

“You got it, gang. Radio silence from here on out.”

The mid level scientist smiles and looks around for compliments but everyone seems to have started their paperwork.

(4 Hours Later)

Astro Jim clicks on a radio recorder from the dispatch control panel. The device was designed to record the last radio signal from Shuttle 602 in case of a deathly emergency.

“Ok, I know I am not supposed to use this device for any other reason other than certain death, I’m sorry.”

Astro Jim looks around the shuttle and crawls under the control panel so no one hears or sees him. Even though he is quite loud and bulging out from under the control panel.

Astro Jim clicks the red button he was trained to press.

“It’s just that I feel a little guilty out here. I am pretty sure I agreed to be an astronaut just because I went through all of the steps.

One day I am an upper level scientist working in the lab and I get the opportunity to be trained by NASA, what scientist wouldn’t want that?  I would be a dick to say no.

Only now I am afraid and isolated in space I am starting to realize that maybe someone else would enjoy this more.

I’m a steak and eggs, simple scientist from Tucson, Arizona. I don’t need the unknown to be amazed. I just need my wife Darlene and my son Junior. Heck, I’d even add that ol’ smelly Chihuahua of ours. I just hope I make them proud. That’s all I think anyone should ever do. Make their family proud.”

Just then, Astro Jim’s entire consol begins to light up. It’s a beautiful glow, not exactly blue but that’s the best way he can register it. The glow was growing bigger and more fantastic just outside his window.

Astro Jim looked at his monitors and sees the rest of the crew messing around in the kitchen making space burritos. He doesn’t feel the need to radio them.

Astro Jim stares at the Unknown Glow and feels that he shouldn’t be recording it. He got the feeling that if he recorded his findings, it wouldn’t be as unique. He felt that he should only be feeling it. Perhaps Astro Jim was the one who was supposed to experience The Unkown Glow on that entire Shuttle 602 all along?

After a few more seconds of heavenly glow, Astro Jim had to say something.

“I just want to say on record. That life itself is better than The Unkown It’s important to recognize what’s in front of you, rather than what’s out there.”

Astro Jim didn’t really know what that exact moment meant, he sort of felt like he was supposed to say something, anything. So that’s what he said. And just as he said it, the heavenly glow was gone. Nothing was left but Jim and the recorder.

Only he didn’t record the message into the control panel last-words device like he thought. No, Astro Jim recorded his sentiment to Houston Port radio. Had he known that all along? Fortunately a lower intern who was hired to work the night shift, wrote down Astro Jim’s words and put them in a desk because at this point, everyone had grown tired of Astro Jim’s voice.

(3 minutes later)

Shuttle 602 was blown to pieces by an unknown glow.

(30 Years Later)

NASA decided to clear the Houston Port unit for lack of funding and discovery. The desk was offered to the lead janitor on call and he gladly took it.

The lead janitor took it home and quickly realized it wouldn’t fit in his studio apartment. So he decided to list it on Ebay. It sold for a modest amount of money to an eager buyer.

The buyer was excited when his “Official NASA High Level Desk” arrived on the front porch. He knew exactly what it was when he saw it online. It took two deliverymen to take it out of the truck and drop it on the front steps of:

 “Junior Goldman 157 Echo Creek, Tucson AZ”

Junior Goldman set the desk up near the window where he could get proper sunlight and feng shui. Junior Goldman wasn’t an astronaut like his dad, but he enjoyed space.

Curiosity ran in the Goldman family, so Junior explored every crease to the desk to see if any etchings or info from his father’s time at Houston Port were still left in the over sized desk.

After kicking away some old pencils and a red NASA visitor’s button, Junior snagged a corner of something in the way back of the drawer, the area where things get lost and no one remembers, or cares if they find it.

Junior pulled out the crumpled piece of paper that was stuck between the drawers. It was his father’s last words scribbled down by an intern. It’s like Junior had known it was there the whole time. He framed the note and let it sit in the glow of the sun for years

NASA never figured out the Unknown Glow that took the life of Astro Jim and the crew. Mainly because after that phenomenon, may of the entry to mid-level employees quit their jobs to spend more time with their families. The case was quickly closed and never opened. Perhaps the exploration and words of one man- meant the world to another?

Available For Hire

SMALLTONVILLE DAILY READER

Saturday October 3rd 2015

Section: Classifieds, musicians A

Available: Professional and experienced whistler extraordinaire for covers or originals. I bring my own equipment and leave my ego at home. I am ready to play, all I need is a tune and a glass of water (or beer). Just kidding, I have been sober 6 years- but I don’t judge. I am trained in multiple genres. Strong focus on folk music, specifically from 1954-1972.

By the off chance I am not home to receive your call, please leave a message with my wife, Darlene. You will have to speak clearly and loudly because a firecracker left her half deaf last Fourth of July. My email is below because the paper company told me I had to leave it…but please do not email me! I forgot my password months ago and I can’t seem to log in. I am still waiting for my grandson Nicholas to come by and help. He says he is busy on Saturdays but I know he quit the soccer league and has a completely open schedule to help his Grandpappy on the computer for an hour or two.

NICHOLAS! If you see this PLEASE HELP ME WITH MY EMAIL. I WANT TO WHISTLE IN A JAM BAND. I HAVE THE CAPS LOCK ON AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO TURN IT OFF CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THAT TOO?

Email: WhistlingRickyFromTheCity@Netscape.Net

I love you Marvin

Greetings earthlings!

When I was growing up I was greatly inspired by two Mels in my life. The first was, and still is- Mel Brooks. The second, and probably more influential was Mel Blanc- also known as “The man of a thousand voices.”

You may not know any of Mel Blanc’s work off the top of your head so let me make a quick list (just to name a few): Bugs Bunny, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, Tweety, Sylvester, Speedy GonzalesYosemite Sam, Foghorn Leghorn, Wile E. Coyote, and most importantly…Marvin the Martian

That’s right, as a 32 year old man I can still happily say that any time I see or hear about Marvin the Martian that it brings me joy. I will tell you one thing (followed by another thing)…I can’t stand how Marvin the Martian got the reputation of being an angry Tune. Looney? Yes. Angry? Sometimes.

We’ve all seen Marvin the Martian shirts where he is grumpy and about to lose it. If not, here is a reference:

Exhibit A: See the look in his eyes.

I will tell you why I want to defend my out-of-this-world friend: Because he’s a loner looking for love and attention. So you can probably make the connection why I liked him so much at a young age..

You’re probably asking yourself “Mark, why do you care so much?” to which I would reply “Because friends stick up for friends.”

Bugs Bunny Ain’t Shit

That’s right. Bugs has been getting all the attention since the tunes hit the media. Case in point: He is the star player on the Tune Squad! Who was Marvin the Martian in Space Jam? The fuckin’ referee…he wasn’t even asked to play on either side- even when the opposing team was FROM SPACE!

Now, I have thought about this (mostly while awake and sleep training my daughter) The referee role perfectly sums up Marvin though. He just wants to keep things fair and balanced in a world that has been turned upside down and invaded.

Back to Bugs (aint funny) Bunny…Marvin spent his career exploring space and inventing new gadgets. Only to have them blown up in his face by Bugs Bunny! Did he try to destroy earth once or twice? Sure.. but who hasn’t!?

Given the choice: I would rather have Marvin the Martian babysit than Bugs Bunny.

Just look at that bad influence!


Man’s Best Friend

Marvin had to be a good Martian because he had a faithful martian dog appropriately named K-9.

Go team!

K-9 would always obey Marvin and they would go on adventures together that were often thwarted by Bugs Bunny or worse, Duck Dodgers…

The Real Enemy

Duck Dodgers was the space version of Daffy Duck and he was a jerk. He’s pretty much the “Duff Man” super hero in Looney Tunes that tried to destroy Marvin at all costs.

Such a bad leader…

Marvin would be minding his own business and exploring planets. Then, when he would successfully find new territory…and being the marketing genius he is- he would plant his flag into the ground.

Then Duck Dodgers would come along and zap him and take his land. WHAT AN ASS!

Who prevailed? Duck (dickhead) Dodgers. He even got his own spinoff tv series on Cartoon Network appropriately named: Duck Dodgers. At least he and Marvin teamed up a little on that show to fight evil.

Notice how Marvin looks scared.

A Martian in love

Marvin even had his space sites on an out-of-this world Queen named Queen Tyr’ahnee

Can you blame him?

Unfortunately Queen Tyr’ahnee only had eyes for Duck (douche) Dodgers:

It’s lonely out here in space..

Bring this back to earth

Ok, if you don’t see my passion for re-branding Marvin the Martian- that’s fine. But at least hear me out for one last thing (see I told you there would be more).

Marvin, although he is a Martian, was the most human tune on the show. He experienced every emotion love, hate, happiness, anger, joy, loss..he felt it all!

We haven’t seen much of Marvin lately for one good reason: He’s a papa to a baby girl.

Marvin and Marcia Martian

Another reason I will keep on claiming that Marvin the Martian was the greatest tune the screen has ever seen. Thank you for your time and remember to love like a martian.

Two weeks from now

A lot is going to change in your life two weeks form now. Good and bad. You can’t deny that you’ll be a different person in two weeks time. You may already be in the middle of a life-changing situation and in two weeks you’ll see the conclusion to your decision. Maybe you’ll have to make a life changing decision in two weeks. The point is…well…maybe there is no point.

Whatever point there is- it’s probably going to change in two weeks.

Now go return that call from your Mom that you’ve been putting off for a week.